Well, well, well. We meet again. Good Time Maxx is back again for the unwashed masses and here to talk a little baseball. Why? Because we live in America, that’s why.
1st: Back to the full 162 game schedule. Good. It’s hard to lose the same amount of money on only 60 games. So, huzzah! for a full year.
B: Still probably not going to be able to have full stadiums unless you live in one of the lawless areas of the country - looking at you Florida/Arizona.
4th: Dodgers are going to reign supreme and the rest of the good guys will be In the dumps. But we will get to that.
Let’s take a gander at what we think. And by "we", I mean me. The only voice that matters on this subject.
Why are they unanimously hated by all? Yankees and Red Sox. Need I say more? The good news is there were no major additions to any team that would make them a shoo-in for a World Series run. Let's look at how things might end up:
Yankees- Here is your division winner. If they stay healthy they can bomb it with the best of them, but that’s a big “if”. Humongous Aaron Judge is reportedly dating the Statue of Liberty, the only chick in New York that’s about as tall as him.
Tampa Bay- They should finish a close second. After losing the WS last year to the Dodgers, they didn’t really make any moves except trading Blake Snell. The city probably wont be done tongue punching Tom Brady’s balloon knot by summer anyway, so they won't notice their team isn't as good. They should still end up with a wild card birth into the playoffs however.
Toronto- Not 100% sure if they will make them play the whole season down below the Syrup Line this year. The addition of George Springer is going to add to their already promising young team, but they might still be a year or two away from doing anything in the postseason. By far the most polite team in MLB, eh?
Boston- They don't matter. They made no moves, will hover around .500 all season then fade away. Like your dad. And just like your dad, they probably wont be back next year either.
Baltimore- Yep, they still got a team. Nope, they wont be good this year. I needed to check to see if Baltimore was still a real place, or just some place our parents talked about, like Burma.
White Sox- Reigning MVP? Check. Stud young players? Check. Only one quarter of the stadium filled even before the pandemic? Check. They have a great chance to be a good, fun, young team to watch and make a deep run into the playoffs, but no one wants to watch them. Including 90% of the city they play in. I will still give credit where it's due; I'm sure there will be 1600 or so people who will be super entertained watching them this season.
Minnesota- They will be in a race all season with the White Sox for the division title, but will come a few games short of it. Byron Buxton and Josh Donaldson will need to stay healthy to do so, but history has showed that's probably not going to happen. Could lead the league again in HR’s, and "excuse mes" when leaving their seats to get a refill on their ranch dipping sauce. Ope!
Cleveland/Kansas City/Detroit- Just gonna lump all these into the same group. Meh. Terrible, and God awful terrible. We don’t really need to spend any time on these teams. Their owners sure didn’t in the off season. Moving on.
Cheaters. I mean "Houston"- Yes, I know, the sign stealing scandal was a few years ago, but we don’t forget or forgive around here. That’s how grandma taught us! Even so, with no real consequence from MLB, Houston is poised to win yet another West title and make a good run into the playoffs. Only losing Springer and maybe Correa, they still have their core together. And they know how to win baseball games. AT ALL COSTS… cheaters.
Oakland- I don’t know if it's just me growing up with the Bash Brothers, and getting at least one Rolly Fingers card in every pack of Topps, but I have a soft spot for these guys. And this year looks like they have a legit chance to take the division away from Houston. They have a long track record of selling off their stars. So, we will see if Billy Bean can keep the band together to make a run at a title this season.
Angels- Can Joe Maddon take another scrappy group of players to the Promised Land like he did with the Mighty 2016 Cubs? Or will it just be another season of wacky travel outfits? They are going to field a solid starting 3 of pitchers in Bundy, Quintana and Cobb. And oh yeah, they have that Mike Trout guy too. Mr. freaking God of Thunder himself. It's going to be bunched up at the top of this race. He who stays healthy wins. Unless you’re Houston, then you just cheat. Dirty whores.
Seattle/Texas- One is the bag, the other is the poo, both are on fire. Just walk away.
Atlanta- They will have a dominating pitching rotation again this season with Fried, Morton and Anderson who will all be double digit winners without a doubt. Combine that with their offense which has very few holes in it, and they should win the East this season. With the 1-3 going Acuna, Freeman, then Ozuna, they could get into bullpens real fast this season. Also, will still have the most racist name in baseball, so they are still #1 in that.
Mets- So, here is the question mark of MLB: The Mets’ new owner and super villain Steven Cohen. The Mets made a bunch of moves in the offseason, adding Lindor, and keeping deGrom, (yes I spelled that right, no capital on the 1st letter, weird huh?) They are legit contenders now with some models have them winning 93 games. I think that’s a tad bit high, but maybe they are rounding up. Like if you say your 6 ft in your dating profile, but you're really 5’6 and half and you just round it up. I can still see them getting a wild card spot. Just hope Cohen doesn’t try to hold the world hostage from his moon base or something before the season ends.
Washington- Well, here we are, 1.5 seasons removed from their amazing run and World Series title. They still have the amazing duo of Strasburg and Scherzer, and added human BamBam Kyle Schwarber. They very well could be a force in the East. Juan Soto should end up with about 120 or so RBI. But health has always been their issue. Nationals have a chance at a wild card spot, but then a quick exit in the playoffs.
Philadelphia- Ah, the City of Brotherly Love, which means that if you're not a Philly’s fan, you get hit with a D-cell battery from the upper deck. Should wind up in 4th in the division, last in our hearts, and #1 on the domestic terrorist's list.
Miami- aohwitpewopiejasgioppj. (that was me mashing my hands on the keyboard.) That’s all they warrant. The end.
St. Louis- The Red Birds are back. They should sit up top the gutted Central this season, with the only team that has any real talent and adding Nolan Arenado. But let's see how he plays without the aid of the thin mountain air. Going from Coors Field to Busch Stadium. From the mountain top to the armpit of the country. Wonder if they gifted him a few pairs of jorts when he signed. They’re the official short choice of St. Louis. Mouth breathers, all of them.
Milwaukee- They didn’t make any good signings in the offseason, and should end a few games over .500. But, that will be good enough in this shell of a former division. They are notorious for late free agency signings. So, we will see what they do in the coming weeks, but I don’t expect too much. The most exciting thing to look forward to at their games is the sausage race in the 7th inning. Goooo Polish Sausage!
Cubs- Is a cub a kind of fish? Cause, they were sure gutted like one. (rimshot) The best pitcher they have left is Hendricks, with a blistering 86 mph fastball. They still have Rizzo, Bryant and Baez on the roster. But how they moved the rest of the talent this off season, consider them bargaining chips for some young prospects. .500 ball club at best. And probably still the most expensive ticket in baseball, go figure. Can't be the Lovable Losers anymore after winning it all 5 years go. So, now just Losers.
Cincinnati- Last year, they looked like they were going to attempt to put a real team on the field. After letting Bauer and Iglesias go though, they seem to have thrown in the towel again. Sonny Gray and Louis Castillo are up for grabs as well, but we will see if they get moved at all. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, I mean how can you trust someone who puts their chili on noodles? What are you, 5? Grow up.
Pittsburgh- Arrrrrhgh! Down to the briney deep with you! I bet if anyone actually watches them this season, it’ll look like they’re all playing with one eye shut. They win 51 games this year. Quote me on it. If you don’t like it, get your own website to write your own article tough guy. I'm waiting.
Dodgers- The over under for them in wins is 103. That should tell you all you need to know about them. They are the defending World Series champs, granted a shortened season and bullshit rule changes. Not to mention no one really counts it as a "World Series" win. But they have been to the last 3 of 4 World Series'. They only lost two notable players: Enrique Hernandez and Joc Pederson. Neither of whom were key pieces. Adding Bauer, the 2020 Cy Young winner, should be enough to put them back in the World Series, and dominate it. It’s the Dodgers vs. everyone else this year. Oh, one more thing, Dodger Dogs are complete shit. SHIT.
San Diego- Padres are like your kid brother when you go away to college. You come home, and the whole time you were gone he’s been working out. Sure, he looks a lot bigger and tougher, but he's still your kid brother, and you can still kick the shit out of him. Aka the 2021 Padres. Hey, don’t get me wrong, they are going to be a good team. Real good. 93 wins at least I think. The problem is all roads run through big brother LA, and no matter how many chin ups you do, he's still gonna smack you in the head with your own arm and tell you to stop hitting yourself. Just call for your mom, and try again next year.
Arizona/San Fran/Colorado- No one wins more than 75 games. Madison Bumgarner pitching for a losing Arizona team gets hurt. Buster Posey plays his last season in SF, and the Rockies never get over losing Arenado to the Cardinals. Only way people pay attention to them is to talk about how many runs the other team scored on them. It's gonna be bad. Like when your hand rips through the toilet paper bad. I'm talking to you Brad, you know what you did.
So, there you have it folks. Chin up, baseball is back, lazy Sundays, picnics, wild fires, hurricanes, murder hornets. Who’s up for a glorious 2021 baseball season? This fucking guy is. Toss some hot dogs on the grill, but keep that ketchup off them. Have some goddamn respect for yourself.
’til next time…